Intelligent Ways How to Irritate Him
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
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DRAKE: “My name is Drake and I’m here to say / let’s diss pusha in a crazy way!”
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) May 30, 2018
PUSHA: “Here is evidence that Drake colluded with Russia.”
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) May 29, 2018
Just growled at a photo of my nemesis I accidentally saw on social media.
— roxane gay (@rgay) May 30, 2018
8am: i'm so tired
— keely flaherty (@keelyflaherty) May 31, 2018
10am: i'm so tired
1pm: i'm so tired
4pm: i'm so tired
8pm: i'm so tired
11pm: i'm so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN'T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I imagine going home to a loved one feels nice but not as nice as me rn headed home to a large slab of brie cheese
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) May 31, 2018
The human body is 70% La Croix
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) May 29, 2018
“When I dip you dip we dip” -me talking to my bf about depression
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) May 29, 2018
The last thing you see before you die is that death has updated its privacy policy.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) May 25, 2018
Martha Stewart is my queen and I like her better with a criminal record
— erin ryan is getting serious (@morninggloria) May 31, 2018
Last night Kel and I were looking around our apartment & realized we've essentially fashioned a reasonably adult looking treehouse full of our toys.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) May 31, 2018
just tried to indignantly write "i'm adorable!!!" and instead popped out "i'm a door bell" and you know what, fair enough, i am
— monica heisey (@monicaheisey) May 31, 2018
me after liking five strategically spaced out photos on a hot person's IG pic.twitter.com/794UQBtFE4
— Nadia Mohd Rasidi (@nrasidi) May 25, 2018
I loved R2-D2 as a kid because I was also short and pissed off
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) June 1, 2018
I just knocked over my cup of tea and somehow caught it before a drop of it spilled; WHERE IS MY GOLD STAR
— Celeste Ng (@pronounced_ing) May 30, 2018
FRIEND: so how are you?
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) March 26, 2018
ME: I'm well, thanks!
FRIEND: what's new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
When I finally stop thinking of "owns an air conditioner" as a key factor to look for in a significant other it's over for you bros
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) May 25, 2018
Me, explaining to Red Lobster why you can't sell tuna poke for $5.99 pic.twitter.com/feu55Dmhkg
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) June 1, 2018
please venmo me for the emotional trauma sustained from ending your text with a period
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 30, 2018
I mean, sex is all right but have you ever experienced the sheer sensuality of having rock-solid proof that a problem at work was someone else's fault even though it really, really looked like it was yours?
— Catherynne Valente (@catvalente) May 31, 2018
It's never too late to go away for the summer and come back cool.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 31, 2018
