Intelligent Ways How to Irritate Him
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
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Amazon but like instead of buying the stuff in your cart the money goes to pay off your credit card.
— elise valderrama roedenbeck (@elierrama) June 29, 2018
I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT A COOLATTA IS, SHE SCREAMS AT THE GLASS SEPARATING HER AND THE DUNKIN' DONUTS EMPLOYEES IN HER FOURTH HOUR AT THE AIRPORT
— Scaachi (@Scaachi) June 27, 2018
invented a new perfume called Smell Of Barbecue You’re Not Invited To. Just Go Home And Microwave A Hot Dog. You Don’t Have Buns But You Could Just Do That Weird Thing Where You Try To Roll It Into A Slice Of Bread
— online printer (@hellohappy_time) June 27, 2018
When I have kids I'm going to tell them ferrets are called cat snakes and they won't learn the true name of ferrets until they are 22
— A.B. (@AlannaBennett) June 28, 2018
ME: I'm going to start really taking care of my body. Fruits, vegetables, ViTiMiNssss, I am going to FEEL good and LOOK good. No sugar. Maybe I'll go VEGAN. YES I will be a goddess I will GLOW with HEALTH
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) June 28, 2018
FREE OFFICE DOUGHNUTS: bitch u thought
"how close are you to completely losing your shit"
— alexis nedd (@alexisthenedd) June 25, 2018
me: pic.twitter.com/a5IWr4ffUA
rompers: for when your life is too easy and you want a fun challenge every time you pee!
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) June 28, 2018
The fruits of summer are a wondrous thing. Eat an overripe nectarine over the kitchen sink while imagining it’s the heart of your worst enemy.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) June 27, 2018
hamilton: BDE, used irresponsibly
— Tracy Boomeisha-Ann Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) June 26, 2018
burr: no
lafayette: BDE
jefferson: non
hercules mulligan: BBBDE
washington: BDE
phillip: BDE before his dad got him killed
peggy: not around long enough to aquire
eliza: BDE
angelica: biggest DE of all
Now that Blockbuster, Toys R' Us, and GameStop are all closed I don't know where to go after school in 2005.
— Kat Buckley (@awkwardlyours) June 26, 2018
My mom asked me if I had extra plastic bags, and as I dug into my plastic bag filled with 345 more plastic bags, I knew that this was my moment to shine.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 25, 2018
Paul Rudd has been handsome for 40 years and is somehow still like 32
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) June 27, 2018
People who knit always look like they're doing magic and really it is probably safest to obey them.
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) June 25, 2018
Snapshot of life in 2018 pic.twitter.com/NRsRXHeMxF
— Jill Capewell (@capeybara) June 24, 2018
aries: BDE, small dick
— anna borges (@annabroges) June 26, 2018
taurus: nah
gemini: no
cancer: tender BDE
leo: hate to give them the satisfaction but yeah, BDE
virgo: weaponized BDE
libra: lowkey BDE
scorpio: tries too hard to exude BDE to have BDE
sag: BDE
cap: runs you over with BDE
aquarius: nah
pisces: dormant BDE
if you consider eating two bags of popcorn and toaster waffles for dinner at 10:30 a nutritious meal plan then i am the epitome of health
— kelly (@kelllicopter) June 28, 2018
Titty sweat degrees out here. I am dying.
— Kima Jones (@kima_jones) June 25, 2018
If I was on Queer Eye:
— fiona
Bobby: have u ever hung up clothes ever
Jonathan: weekly face masks aren’t a substitute for daily skincare
Karamo: this is some record breaking low self esteem
Antoni: ur veins are filled w coffee
Tan: u can’t just wear the exact same black skirt every day
